Arrogance

BiIsmillah Arrahmaan Arraheem,
With the name of the One God [Allah], the most beneficent, the merciful

Yeah, that. It's something to which I am highly prone. From a young age, I remember being proud of who I was. My parents very specifically told me not to mention to anyone that the first man on this world was a Muslim. I suppose the act which cements in me the fact that I am naturally prone to such pride was when I mentioned to someone about how I was academically excellent compared to my peers, and my father very quickly took me aside and chastised me for speaking so. I think that ever since, I've been [to my concious attempts] very shy of my achievements and always avoided praise.

One of the big reasons for me to publish anonymously is to prevent arrogance. How, the inquisitive reader asks, is mildly confusing. You'd think that to post as I am in a semi-preaching manner implies an amount of arrogance that I believe my opinion is worthy of being voiced. But by maintaining my anonymity, no one knows whom to praise. I could be your neighbor, your cousin, your parent, your child, or a complete stranger. I could be white, brown, black, yellow, or a combination of all of the above. Thus, I myself can never take any profit from this blog. Hence, I can only feel an inner sense of arrogance and that ego will never end up being stroked. All it can do is feel the futility of not being known. InshaAllah this will help me end my hubris.

Something I've tended to worry about growing up is my huge ego and desire to be liked. You always have to watch your reasons for doing something. I've never known, and have feared, the reasons for my being religious. Was I god-fearing? Or was I wanting my parents to love me? Was I just wanting respect by those who were religious? I'd prefer praying in private, or not being seen when doing voluntary acts of goodness. The downside of this, much like being a schizoid or a conspiracy theorist, is that you can't really do it very consistently if you're around people. Thus, I've had the intention for good, but never acted for it, not wanting to be construed as a religious person or be heralded as one such. I've thus started hiding things from my parents. I told my father that I was trying to memorize the Qur'an from the end forwards (oh, hey, I don't think I've mentioned that yet; I've so far done Surah An-Naazi`at). He promptly mentioned this to my grandfather in front of me and who knows who else behind my back. And I can't explain that I don't want people knowing that I'm religious, that I just want to be religious, because of a language and emotional gap. Yes, an emotional gap between father and son and mother and son. Who saw that coming?

Arrogance. You hate it, but at the same time, that pride, that appreciation of self is precisely what is needed for a strong mind, or a strong leader. You need to think that you are worth it, or that your goal is worth it and you are worthy of your goal. The right amount of self-worth is like that tipping point between added just enough soda and adding too much soda that the bubbles go to the top and pop before going over the edge so that nothing spills. It's just as hard to achieve and requires much more practice.


All good from what I say in this blog comes from the One God [Allah], and all evil and wrong comes from me.